Songs for the moment

Well, it happened two years ago, and it appears to be happening again. It seems completely absurd. You can't fall in love with someone in two weeks. I'm not in love with her anyway, its something else. I wasn't really in love with Julie, either. What happened? Why do I think about her so much? I want so badly to have a moment where its all better, where the pain suddenly subsides. Is that really what I hope for? The worst (or maybe this is good) part is this time I can't blame it on her. Maybe that's the spiritual awakening. I can accept and understand that she's just doing what she has to do. I got thru the last great heart break by completely blaming the other person. It took a long time to realize all my pain was exactly that: my pain. It is in me, it comes from my lack of self-love, my inner void. Of course if you fill that with anything other than God, it can and will be slashed away from you at any time. That seems to be God's way of leading us towards him and nothing else. I really should listen to those guys on Tuesdays. How many times have I heard them say that they've tried filling that void with everything: Women, booze, etc. Nothing worked. Maybe this is a part of my journey, to realize that axiom of a spirituality through pain. How much do I need to find it? Considering it could have been much worse; I could have dated this girl for months or years and eventually found the truth: That she was a trophy to me - A shiny way to show everyone that I had made it! I'm not a loser! Look at my beautiful girlfriend! I must be worth something!
Hmmph. The truth is, I treat women like shit. I use them, I want things from them. I want them to make me feel whole. I don't actually care about them. No wonder they go running. Maybe they just see right through me? I don't know. That's probably reading too much into their behavior. I really don't know why the one's who stuck for a little while or longer eventually left. I do know what I've done, and that's been a user. I need to come from a place of self-love, a place where my higher power resides. I need to keep my sponser informed when I date.