Songs for the moment

Its so weird how it won't go away. Why would this matter to me so much? Why would she remain? Everytime I look at someone she's there. It's like she recreated a little bit of a traumatic experience just for me. I really can't stop thinking about it. But is it really me thinking? Or am I just the one in the background, seeing myself thinking and remembering her? I can't even remember anything about her. She actually seemed like a mean person. She was the same as Julie. She's had her insides and outsides ripped to shreds, and now she recreates that experience with the people in her life. Why would I need her? I don't need anything. I don't actually have anything to begin with. I cannot possess a woman, a car, a job, or even my own life. I don't even get to keep the body that I'm living in! It all belongs to God! Oh, how I can see it now. I am forever in this moment, but I am really everything and everyone. We are all related. We cannot be seperated, we are all as one. There is nothing to be gained, nothing to be lost. No fear and no end of fear. There is no loss. There is no death, and no life. Nothing ever begins and nothing ever ends. Whatever love I've found was always there, and was not created. It can only be discovered. I wish for her all the things I want for myself - to breathe, to live, to see God in everything. I am alive.

Its so weird how it won't go away. Why would this matter to me so much? Why would she remain? Everytime I look at someone she's there. It's like she recreated a little bit of a traumatic experience just for me. I really can't stop thinking about it. But is it really me thinking? Or am I just the one in the background, seeing myself thinking and remembering her? I can't even remember anything about her. She actually seemed like a mean person. She was the same as Julie. She's had her insides and outsides ripped to shreds, and now she recreates that experience with the people in her life. Why would I need her? I don't need anything. I don't actually have anything to begin with. I cannot possess a woman, a car, a job, or even my own life. I don't even get to keep the body that I'm living in! It all belongs to God! Oh, how I can see it now. I am forever in this moment, but I am really everything and everyone. We are all related. We cannot be seperated, we are all as one. There is nothing to be gained, nothing to be lost. No fear and no end of fear. There is no loss. There is no death, and no life. Nothing ever begins and nothing ever ends. Whatever love I've found was always there, and was not created. It can only be discovered. I wish for her all the things I want for myself - to breathe, to live, to see God in everything. I am alive.

Well, it happened two years ago, and it appears to be happening again. It seems completely absurd. You can't fall in love with someone in two weeks. I'm not in love with her anyway, its something else. I wasn't really in love with Julie, either. What happened? Why do I think about her so much? I want so badly to have a moment where its all better, where the pain suddenly subsides. Is that really what I hope for? The worst (or maybe this is good) part is this time I can't blame it on her. Maybe that's the spiritual awakening. I can accept and understand that she's just doing what she has to do. I got thru the last great heart break by completely blaming the other person. It took a long time to realize all my pain was exactly that: my pain. It is in me, it comes from my lack of self-love, my inner void. Of course if you fill that with anything other than God, it can and will be slashed away from you at any time. That seems to be God's way of leading us towards him and nothing else. I really should listen to those guys on Tuesdays. How many times have I heard them say that they've tried filling that void with everything: Women, booze, etc. Nothing worked. Maybe this is a part of my journey, to realize that axiom of a spirituality through pain. How much do I need to find it? Considering it could have been much worse; I could have dated this girl for months or years and eventually found the truth: That she was a trophy to me - A shiny way to show everyone that I had made it! I'm not a loser! Look at my beautiful girlfriend! I must be worth something!
Hmmph. The truth is, I treat women like shit. I use them, I want things from them. I want them to make me feel whole. I don't actually care about them. No wonder they go running. Maybe they just see right through me? I don't know. That's probably reading too much into their behavior. I really don't know why the one's who stuck for a little while or longer eventually left. I do know what I've done, and that's been a user. I need to come from a place of self-love, a place where my higher power resides. I need to keep my sponser informed when I date.

Carissa

I see your inside
I see you laugh and hurt and hide
In the sunshine
In your eyes
In the stopping of time
When we lay close
How far are you now?
Are you near by?
I know peace
Because you're already there
You've touched me
simply by being alive
Don't do a thing
To know that you live and breathe
Is enough for me to forgive
All the hurt
I have lived
There is no beginning
No end
There is one moment
In which you forever reside
Its always here
You will always be love
Thank God!
I know you're everywhere
always